Thursday, September 15, 2011


There's humility in heartbreak. An openness that couldn't have really been expected. Ironically this entire experiences has made me more willing to talk, share and communicate than I ever have before. My life has become an open book, I'll pour my heart to anyone who'll listen. I'm embracing this vulnerability and seeing it for so much more than it making me weak or fragile.

It's made me human.


I feel it's wrong to say that I deserve better than you, but I do. It's weird to wrap my head around the fact that some of the best moments of my life in the past few years actually had nothing to do with you. You were thousands of miles away when I was making the memories that have made me who I am. You were a presence, yes, but you weren't involved. Knowing that I don't need you to be happy is liberating. It doesn't make this any easier, but it makes it possible.

Maybe it's not giving you, or us, credit but you were a letdown. We were a letdown. It never felt real, never felt right. I kept waiting for things to get better but I know what we had was the best it could ever be.

And it wasn't good enough.

You were so heartbreakingly ordinary and I built you up to be so much more than that. And I'm anything but. Honestly. Truthfully. I know I'd rather be completely happy and alone than stuck in mediocrity with you. I always knew there had to be more. I had to keep convincing myself that I could be happy spending the rest of my life with you. I should have never had to convince myself of anything.


So now I'm letting go. I'm walking away, not unscathed. Yes, it took four months to get here. Yes, I cried. Yes, there was drama and pain but I'd rather have a few months of this than a lifetime of stifling obscurity.

Because I didn't want to marry you. And you didn't want to marry me. If either of us wanted it we would have never let things get to the point we did.

We crashed. We burned. And now there's nothing left but ashes.
i fancied you'd return the way you said,
but i grow old and i forget your name.
(i think i made you up inside my head.)

i should have loved a thunderbird instead;
at least when spring comes they roar back again.
i shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(i think i made you up inside my head.)

-Sylvia Plath

Monday, September 28, 2009

music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie
it's the kind of ending you don't really wanna see
cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
now i don't know what to be without you around
and we know it's never simple, never easy
never a clean break, no one here to save me
you're the only think i know like the back of my hand
and i can't breathe without you. 

it's weird how no matter what i do i end up in the exact same situations. i've said multiple times that metaphorical circles dictate my life, but i think the amount of repetition, the number of times i let the same things happen to me, the fact that no matter what i can't seem to learn my lesson proves that full circle is not the end of the road. 

i wish i could turn the clock back to july. my life made sense, i lived with my best friends, i was on the brink of every possible amazing opportunity, i spent each day counting down to when i could see you again, i spent each day counting down to when our lives could begin. life was so good, maybe it was too good. 

two months later and everything has been completely shattered. i'm living in a glorified dorm room with a girl whose conversation makes talking to a wall seem appealing, i'm apathetic about everything coming my way and you. you've somehow become the worst thing that has happened to me in the past twenty two years. 

you were the one stable thing in my life for the past five years. you made things make sense, you kept me grounded, you were the foundation that i built everything else on and you were what gave everything meaning. you were the one who made me believe in you, believe in us, to this extent and now i'm finding out that you built me up just to let me down. 

i believe everything happens for a reason, i have to, time and time again the universe has proven this to me and on some level i know it's true, but i refuse to believe that you chose for this to happen so that it could end. i can't understand how you can walk away unscathed, i can't believe that this is what you want, and until i do there's always going to be some hope that this will work out. 

i keep being told to trust, to have faith...i've been told a million things that are supposed to make sense but don't. i've been told that i have this amazing life, i have absolutely nothing to complain about, i have everything going for me, but for some reason i keep falling back into this pattern of futility. i make people believe i'm too strong for my own good, but i'm anything but. i need support, i need protection. and i need something to believe in. 

get a little anxious sometimes. understatement. i'm becoming so bipolar it's not even funny. one second i'm embracing this life that's been thrust onto me and the other i'm crying about how i'm not ready for it. part of growing up is making the mistakes i'm making right now but i can't handle the life lessons that come in tow. 

i feel like my world fell to pieces when i was forced out of love. i pretend everything's okay, i fake that i accepted my fate, the situation and the circumstances...but knowing on a day-to-day basis that things aren't the same drives me insane. how do you transition from having someone be everything to having them be nothing? do you need a mourning period? do the rules really work and do you ever feel okay just being by yourself again? or do you always know that you've lost a part of yourself you'll never really get back? how do you cope when the person you thought was your everything says it would be best if you just weren't anymore? 

i feel like i'm going about this the worst way possible. i'm not okay, i'm really not, i don't even need answers now, i just need clarity. i need something to believe in, i need something to count the days down till and look forward to. 

a million years ago i said i was working with an intricate balance that would never really hold. it didn't, and now i'm spiraling out of control---mentally and emotionally. nothing in my life is consistent right now and i have no idea what i'm supposed to do about it. 

not too long ago my life was an adventure. now i just want to run away from it all. 

Sunday, September 6, 2009

as for now i'm gonna hear the saddest songs.

My life would be so much easier if I could hate you. If I could bring myself to the point where anger meets disgust and say 'good riddance' to everything you've put me through in the past five years.

It's not like I don't have my reasons; I should hate you for giving up on us. I should hate you for not thinking I was enough. I should hate you for giving up on me, I should hate you for making me question everything I believe in. I should hate you for using me. I should hate you for building me up just so you could let me down. I should hate you for every single empty promise. I should hate you for making me trust you. I should hate you for making me believe in you.

But right now I should hate the fact that for the first time in years I'm alone on my birthday. And you won't even acknowledge that.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

i've been looking so long at these pictures of you...

There's a reason why that whole 'boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, boy stands by girl' deal only really pans out in the movies. When things appear to be too good to be true they can't really be that way, if you don't know what it's like to be truly unhappy how can you ever realize what happiness was in the first place? Eventually it's the same story...complications, expectations, life ends up getting in the way.

I walked by our restaurant today. I remember the exact day we found it. It was summer, it was late, it was rainy, we were starving. We found the rundown pseudo diner and we somehow ended up there almost every other night. Seeing it. Being there almost killed me in ways nobody could really imagine. This city reeks of you, ever street, every corner, every store has a memory. I keep hoping that somehow I'll wake up from this horrible existence, this living nightmare that's become my reality. That someone will shake me to the point of realization---but maybe coming to terms with the truth is the last thing I need.

I wish I could write you a letter I know you'd never really read. Say everything I need to without really saying anything all. This nightmare was supposed to be our dream.

But I guess when it comes down to it living this dream is nothing without you.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

You may tire of me as our December sun is setting because I'm not who I used to be
No longer easy on the eyes but these wrinkles masterfully disguise
The youthful boy below who turned your way and saw 
Something he was not looking for: both a beginning and an end 
But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize 
When he catches his reflection on accident 

On the back of a motor bike 
With your arms outstretched trying to take flight 
Leaving everything behind 
But even at our swiftest speed we couldn't break from the concrete 
In the city where we still reside. 
And I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men 
Cause now we say goodnight from our own separate sides 
Like brothers on a hotel bed 

Friday, June 26, 2009

Thoughts read unspoken, forever in doubt

Pieces of memories fall to the ground

I know what I didn't have so, I won't let this go

'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you