Monday, September 28, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
It's not like I don't have my reasons; I should hate you for giving up on us. I should hate you for not thinking I was enough. I should hate you for giving up on me, I should hate you for making me question everything I believe in. I should hate you for using me. I should hate you for building me up just so you could let me down. I should hate you for every single empty promise. I should hate you for making me trust you. I should hate you for making me believe in you.
But right now I should hate the fact that for the first time in years I'm alone on my birthday. And you won't even acknowledge that.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
I walked by our restaurant today. I remember the exact day we found it. It was summer, it was late, it was rainy, we were starving. We found the rundown pseudo diner and we somehow ended up there almost every other night. Seeing it. Being there almost killed me in ways nobody could really imagine. This city reeks of you, ever street, every corner, every store has a memory. I keep hoping that somehow I'll wake up from this horrible existence, this living nightmare that's become my reality. That someone will shake me to the point of realization---but maybe coming to terms with the truth is the last thing I need.
I wish I could write you a letter I know you'd never really read. Say everything I need to without really saying anything all. This nightmare was supposed to be our dream.
But I guess when it comes down to it living this dream is nothing without you.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
and burned the letters lover wrote
but it doesn't make it any better
does it make it any better?
and the plaster dented from your fist
in the hall where you had your first kiss
reminds you that the memories will fade.
Maybe we grew up and grew out of eachother, maybe it wasn't meant to be, maybe all the other factors were too much or maybe the odds were too great. I'm not really sure where we fall, how it ended up like this and why I'm alone crying myself past the point of being conscious. I've never felt this let down before, this disappointed or this disillusioned. False hope and empty promises could never get us too far, and I let myself get built up only be to let down. Maybe I should have never abandoned my cynical ways, maybe I shouldn't have believed everything you said, maybe I should have never trusted you, maybe I should have known better all along. I can say maybe, I can say what if, I can want things to be different but I can't change this reality.
What I do know is that I gave this my all. More than my all, and probably more than you'll ever really understand. I know you did this to me, and now I'm stuck trying to pick up pieces of the past four years and seeing where they fit in my life now. I know I'm broken, and the sad thing is you're the only one who could really fix anything.
But I don't think you can actually fix anything at all.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Enter : incredibly awkward pseudo boyfriend arm pillow*. Yes, that is a pillow shaped like an arm and half of a torso complete with half of a man's shirt because they couldn't quite replicate the texture of skin. I'm hoping.
I don't think I've ever been this disturbed in my entire life.
*available at overstock.com. just in case.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
The 9-5 is surreal, to say in the least. There's something about walking to work each morning, 7 degree temperature and all, and doing something you love for hours. It never feels like work when I'm there, but the second I get home it feels like 10 hours of hard labor. I'm too restless to stay in, but too exhausted to go out and I can never justify coming home at 3AM with skipping class the next day because now it's really not an option.
Maybe surrendering to academia post grad isn't the best idea (although seeing as I have yet to hear back from a single school I don't think it will be an issue.) We'll see how this one turns out.