music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie

it's the kind of ending you don't really wanna see

cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down

now i don't know what to be without you around

and we know it's never simple, never easy

never a clean break, no one here to save me

you're the only think i know like the back of my hand

and i can't breathe without you. 

it's weird how no matter what i do i end up in the exact same situations. i've said multiple times that metaphorical circles dictate my life, but i think the amount of repetition, the number of times i let the same things happen to me, the fact that no matter what i can't seem to learn my lesson proves that full circle is not the end of the road. 

i wish i could turn the clock back to july. my life made sense, i lived with my best friends, i was on the brink of every possible amazing opportunity, i spent each day counting down to when i could see you again, i spent each day counting down to when our lives could begin. life was so good, maybe it was too good. 

two months later and everything has been completely shattered. i'm living in a glorified dorm room with a girl whose conversation makes talking to a wall seem appealing, i'm apathetic about everything coming my way and you. you've somehow become the worst thing that has happened to me in the past twenty two years. 

you were the one stable thing in my life for the past five years. you made things make sense, you kept me grounded, you were the foundation that i built everything else on and you were what gave everything meaning. you were the one who made me believe in you, believe in us, to this extent and now i'm finding out that you built me up just to let me down. 

i believe everything happens for a reason, i have to, time and time again the universe has proven this to me and on some level i know it's true, but i refuse to believe that you chose for this to happen so that it could end. i can't understand how you can walk away unscathed, i can't believe that this is what you want, and until i do there's always going to be some hope that this will work out. 

i keep being told to trust, to have faith...i've been told a million things that are supposed to make sense but don't. i've been told that i have this amazing life, i have absolutely nothing to complain about, i have everything going for me, but for some reason i keep falling back into this pattern of futility. i make people believe i'm too strong for my own good, but i'm anything but. i need support, i need protection. and i need something to believe in. 

get a little anxious sometimes. understatement. i'm becoming so bipolar it's not even funny. one second i'm embracing this life that's been thrust onto me and the other i'm crying about how i'm not ready for it. part of growing up is making the mistakes i'm making right now but i can't handle the life lessons that come in tow. 

i feel like my world fell to pieces when i was forced out of love. i pretend everything's okay, i fake that i accepted my fate, the situation and the circumstances...but knowing on a day-to-day basis that things aren't the same drives me insane. how do you transition from having someone be everything to having them be nothing? do you need a mourning period? do the rules really work and do you ever feel okay just being by yourself again? or do you always know that you've lost a part of yourself you'll never really get back? how do you cope when the person you thought was your everything says it would be best if you just weren't anymore? 

i feel like i'm going about this the worst way possible. i'm not okay, i'm really not, i don't even need answers now, i just need clarity. i need something to believe in, i need something to count the days down till and look forward to. 

a million years ago i said i was working with an intricate balance that would never really hold. it didn't, and now i'm spiraling out of control---mentally and emotionally. nothing in my life is consistent right now and i have no idea what i'm supposed to do about it. 

not too long ago my life was an adventure. now i just want to run away from it all. 

as for now i'm gonna hear the saddest songs.

My life would be so much easier if I could hate you. If I could bring myself to the point where anger meets disgust and say 'good riddance' to everything you've put me through in the past five years.

It's not like I don't have my reasons; I should hate you for giving up on us. I should hate you for not thinking I was enough. I should hate you for giving up on me, I should hate you for making me question everything I believe in. I should hate you for using me. I should hate you for building me up just so you could let me down. I should hate you for every single empty promise. I should hate you for making me trust you. I should hate you for making me believe in you.

But right now I should hate the fact that for the first time in years I'm alone on my birthday. And you won't even acknowledge that.

i've been looking so long at these pictures of you...

There's a reason why that whole 'boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, boy stands by girl' deal only really pans out in the movies. When things appear to be too good to be true they can't really be that way, if you don't know what it's like to be truly unhappy how can you ever realize what happiness was in the first place? Eventually it's the same story...complications, expectations, life ends up getting in the way.

I walked by our restaurant today. I remember the exact day we found it. It was summer, it was late, it was rainy, we were starving. We found the rundown pseudo diner and we somehow ended up there almost every other night. Seeing it. Being there almost killed me in ways nobody could really imagine. This city reeks of you, ever street, every corner, every store has a memory. I keep hoping that somehow I'll wake up from this horrible existence, this living nightmare that's become my reality. That someone will shake me to the point of realization---but maybe coming to terms with the truth is the last thing I need.

I wish I could write you a letter I know you'd never really read. Say everything I need to without really saying anything all. This nightmare was supposed to be our dream.

But I guess when it comes down to it living this dream is nothing without you.

You may tire of me as our December sun is setting because I'm not who I used to be
No longer easy on the eyes but these wrinkles masterfully disguise
The youthful boy below who turned your way and saw 
Something he was not looking for: both a beginning and an end 
But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize 
When he catches his reflection on accident 
On the back of a motor bike 
With your arms outstretched trying to take flight 
Leaving everything behind 
But even at our swiftest speed we couldn't break from the concrete 
In the city where we still reside. 
And I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men 
Cause now we say goodnight from our own separate sides 
Like brothers on a hotel bed 

Thoughts read unspoken, forever in doubt

Pieces of memories fall to the ground

I know what I didn't have so, I won't let this go

'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you

stupid girl.

so you've buried all your lovers clothes
and burned the letters lover wrote
but it doesn't make it any better
does it make it any better?
and the plaster dented from your fist
in the hall where you had your first kiss
reminds you that the memories will fade.

Maybe we grew up and grew out of eachother, maybe it wasn't meant to be, maybe all the other factors were too much or maybe the odds were too great. I'm not really sure where we fall, how it ended up like this and why I'm alone crying myself past the point of being conscious. I've never felt this let down before, this disappointed or this disillusioned. False hope and empty promises could never get us too far, and I let myself get built up only be to let down. Maybe I should have never abandoned my cynical ways, maybe I shouldn't have believed everything you said, maybe I should have never trusted you, maybe I should have known better all along. I can say maybe, I can say what if, I can want things to be different but I can't change this reality.

What I do know is that I gave this my all. More than my all, and probably more than you'll ever really understand. I know you did this to me, and now I'm stuck trying to pick up pieces of the past four years and seeing where they fit in my life now. I know I'm broken, and the sad thing is you're the only one who could really fix anything.

But I don't think you can actually fix anything at all.

20/20.

The heaviest of burdens crushes us, we sink beneath it, it pins us to the ground. But in the love poetry of every age, the woman longs to be weighed down by the man's body. The heaviest of burdens is therefore simultaneously an image of life's most intense fulfillment. The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become. 

single ladies.

So. The high powered, independent woman doesn't have the time (or energy, or patience, or...you get it) to find a boyfriend but she still wants someone to be the big spoon.

Enter : incredibly awkward pseudo boyfriend arm pillow*. Yes, that is a pillow shaped like an arm and half of a torso complete with half of a man's shirt because they couldn't quite replicate the texture of skin. I'm hoping.

I don't think I've ever been this disturbed in my entire life.

*available at overstock.com. just in case.

hindsight.

There's a tiny scar on my right hand. It's about an inch long and sometimes you can only see it when the light hits a certain way. It blends right into my skin, just a mild imperfection on my hand. It keeps fading, but I know it's never really going anywhere.

I remember exactly how I got the scar. It was my 20th birthday and I ran upstairs and pulled my bangle off my wrist and proceeded to scratch the back of my hand with my nail. I remember laughing and thinking it was no big deal, just a scratch. 

Every time I look at my hand I see manicured nails, the odd papercut, and that damn scar. I see everything that's happened in the past two years; the good, more bad, and even more of the completely unexpected. I can never quite get a handle on where my life is supposed to be. It looks like I've never been able to.

I keep finding myself falling back into old patterns. Staying up till 5 and going to work at 10. Apathy, disinterest, being increasingly annoyed by everything around me, blaming everyone but myself for my shortcomings. 

The problem is I pick my scars, both literally and figuratively. I can run over everything in my mind millions of times and never change a thing, and I really need to accept that and let it be.

...but if you can't let it be might as well make it bleed. 

static.

Half the time I still feel like I'm playing dress-up. The clothes, the tights, the hair, the shoes. All meticulously planned and orchestrated, written down in notebooks and checked off after each wear.

The 9-5 is surreal, to say in the least. There's something about walking to work each morning, 7 degree temperature and all, and doing something you love for hours. It never feels like work when I'm there, but the second I get home it feels like 10 hours of hard labor. I'm too restless to stay in, but too exhausted to go out and I can never justify coming home at 3AM with skipping class the next day because now it's really not an option.

Maybe surrendering to academia post grad isn't the best idea (although seeing as I have yet to hear back from a single school I don't think it will be an issue.) We'll see how this one turns out.

sunset

nobody here can live forever, quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer.

the name of the.

Ender's Game, come to life.

...who knew?