Monday, September 28, 2009

music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie
it's the kind of ending you don't really wanna see
cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
now i don't know what to be without you around
and we know it's never simple, never easy
never a clean break, no one here to save me
you're the only think i know like the back of my hand
and i can't breathe without you. 

it's weird how no matter what i do i end up in the exact same situations. i've said multiple times that metaphorical circles dictate my life, but i think the amount of repetition, the number of times i let the same things happen to me, the fact that no matter what i can't seem to learn my lesson proves that full circle is not the end of the road. 

i wish i could turn the clock back to july. my life made sense, i lived with my best friends, i was on the brink of every possible amazing opportunity, i spent each day counting down to when i could see you again, i spent each day counting down to when our lives could begin. life was so good, maybe it was too good. 

two months later and everything has been completely shattered. i'm living in a glorified dorm room with a girl whose conversation makes talking to a wall seem appealing, i'm apathetic about everything coming my way and you. you've somehow become the worst thing that has happened to me in the past twenty two years. 

you were the one stable thing in my life for the past five years. you made things make sense, you kept me grounded, you were the foundation that i built everything else on and you were what gave everything meaning. you were the one who made me believe in you, believe in us, to this extent and now i'm finding out that you built me up just to let me down. 

i believe everything happens for a reason, i have to, time and time again the universe has proven this to me and on some level i know it's true, but i refuse to believe that you chose for this to happen so that it could end. i can't understand how you can walk away unscathed, i can't believe that this is what you want, and until i do there's always going to be some hope that this will work out. 

i keep being told to trust, to have faith...i've been told a million things that are supposed to make sense but don't. i've been told that i have this amazing life, i have absolutely nothing to complain about, i have everything going for me, but for some reason i keep falling back into this pattern of futility. i make people believe i'm too strong for my own good, but i'm anything but. i need support, i need protection. and i need something to believe in. 

get a little anxious sometimes. understatement. i'm becoming so bipolar it's not even funny. one second i'm embracing this life that's been thrust onto me and the other i'm crying about how i'm not ready for it. part of growing up is making the mistakes i'm making right now but i can't handle the life lessons that come in tow. 

i feel like my world fell to pieces when i was forced out of love. i pretend everything's okay, i fake that i accepted my fate, the situation and the circumstances...but knowing on a day-to-day basis that things aren't the same drives me insane. how do you transition from having someone be everything to having them be nothing? do you need a mourning period? do the rules really work and do you ever feel okay just being by yourself again? or do you always know that you've lost a part of yourself you'll never really get back? how do you cope when the person you thought was your everything says it would be best if you just weren't anymore? 

i feel like i'm going about this the worst way possible. i'm not okay, i'm really not, i don't even need answers now, i just need clarity. i need something to believe in, i need something to count the days down till and look forward to. 

a million years ago i said i was working with an intricate balance that would never really hold. it didn't, and now i'm spiraling out of control---mentally and emotionally. nothing in my life is consistent right now and i have no idea what i'm supposed to do about it. 

not too long ago my life was an adventure. now i just want to run away from it all. 

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